Flagler Bridge to remain open

March 21, 2013. Palm Beach Duh News.

The Florida Department of Transportation assured residents of Palm Beach County that the Flagler Bridge will remain open indefinitely, officials said today.

“We have no plans to close the north bridge,” said Jojo deLojo, chief dreamer of the Department. “There is nothing wrong with the bridge that chewing gum and duct tape can’t fix.”

Officials have been scrambling in recent weeks to understand the problems that have caused the supports of the bridge to settle during construction of its replacement. However, despite repeated attempts to drill tiny little holes into the muck below the bridge using straws, they have been unable to fully reveal the damage believed to have occurred to its foundation. All that has been seen to date are millions of wood-borer worms and a handful of flattened styrofoam coffee cups tied together with string, which they believe were used by the original engineers to fill gaps in the wood of the pilings.

Mayor Gail Coniglio of the Town of Palm Beach announced her support for the proposed repairs, after they were unveiled in a public meeting in the back of E. J. Bradley’s late Saturday night after a three-hour open bar cocktail party. “We have every hope that the Department of Transportation will hire someone who knows what they are doing and that the next set of engineering drawings will use the latest and most sophisticated CAD/CAM tools available, rather than the scribbled sketches on the inside of a Mars bar wrapper that were previously relied upon,” she said Monday.

DOT’s deLojo circulated plans of the proposed bridge repairs to attendees at Saturday’s event, though most ended up being used as cocktail coasters and dartboards. The repairs are clearly seen as long strands of heavily reinforced unidentifiable organic material, secured at either end of the bridge by gold-plated golf tees from the Palm Beach Country Club. “The State of Florida will not skimp to find the most expensive and exotic technology to use to keep traffic open between the mainland and the island of Palm Beach, notwithstanding our belief that island’s citizenry are undeserving of any assistance,” deLojo assured the crowd. “The State may be broke and may refuse any monies from the Federal government, but we have confidence that we can produce all the required funds, if necessary by printing fake Florida dollars with the likeness of Rick Scott and Donald Trump.”

State officials estimate the cost of the repairs to be no more than $500 million, give or take $50 million depending on the fees necessary to pay the Palm Beach Water Taxi and other ferry services while the repairs take place. They believe it will take no more than 15 years to complete, working mainly at night from 1:00 am to 1:10 am to minimize noise and inconvenience to the bridge keeper, who normally sleeps during the period while cars are waiting for the gates to go up. Officials also revealed that emergency escape procedures from cars left hanging precariously over the edge of any collapsed portions of the new bridge will use zip lines and plastic tie wraps attached to large commercial fishing hooks, capable of holding people weighing up to 350 pounds.

“This is Florida,” said one representative from the Governor’s office. “From our voting equipment to our infrastructure, everything here works like we intend it to.”